Current mood:	relaxed
Entry tags:	creative, veronica mars

Never Lonely Alone (Veronica) PG-13
Title: Never Lonely Alone
Author: bec42
Pairing/Character: Veronica, Logan/Veronica
Word Count: 635
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Set immediately after Lord of the Pi's. Veronica's thoughts.
Spoilers: 3x08



Veronica stared at the caller ID on her cellphone.

Logan.

Part of her wanted so much to answer the call, to let herself be comforted by the warmth and love in his voice, to tell him everything that was on her mind... but, well, that was just it. She couldn't tell him what was on her mind. He didn't understand her obsession, he would tell her to leave it alone, he didn't understand that it wasn't possible for her to leave it alone. Resignedly, she pressed the 'ignore' button.

She found an empty spot to set down her lunch tray and looked around the crowded lunch hall, taking in the rowdy groups of students interacting at each table. She felt in deep contrast to her surroundings - quiet, alone, isolated. Just like high-school, she thought briefly.

And yet different. Because unlike high-school, Veronica knew her isolation on this campus had, to an extent, been her own choice. It was strange: for all the time she'd spent after her forced expulsion from the inner circle at Neptune High wishing for friendly faces to keep her company, now she found herself more often than not yearning for time away from the company of others. She had become accustomed to being a loner. She'd learned to stand on her own two feet, and with that had come a certain freedom: she could do as she pleased, she was no longer accountable to her peers. Her supposed friends had rejected her, so she no longer needed to concern herself with making sure her behaviour fit with their rules.

But now, things were different. Now, there were people who were affected by her actions, people she cared about, people she didn't want to let down.

One person in particular.

And while logically she knew that being in a relationship that actually mattered to her should be a good thing, right now she couldn't help but feel stifled, suffocated. The freedom of loneliness was no longer hers to enjoy, and the change would take some getting used to.

She took a forkful of her meal and leaned back in her seat, letting the noise of the crowd wash over her. She reveled in the all-too-brief moment of alone-ness, but at the same time was unable to shake a feeling of shame and self-loathing that she should enjoy such a feeling, that she should need so desperately to be alone, when others who loved her - her father, Logan, Wallace - were somehow always so happy to have her company.

She let her eyes wander around the room, automatically taking in the detail of her surroundings, as she had learned to do. Her gaze fell on a lone, dark figure standing in the doorway, and she did a double-take as she recognised the figure as Logan's lithe form. Although he was facing in her direction - he had to have seen her sitting there - his eyes were cast downwards, and he wasn't aware she'd noticed his presence. She stared as he turned and left the hall, the slump of his shoulders making it clear he was unhappy about something.

Oh God, she realised, he must have seen me hang up on him. She felt a pang of guilt and stiffened, ready to run after him, to explain...

... but to explain what? How could she possibly explain? Logan, of course I love you, but sometimes I still need time on my own... To her it might make perfect sense, but she knew however eloquently she expressed it, he could never understand such a sentiment. To Logan, loneliness would always be a curse; love meant never needing to be alone.

She sighed and leaned back in her seat again, closing her eyes. Sometimes, if only for Logan's sake, she wished she could be different. But right now she needed the solitude more than ever.